iridescent thoughts. iridescent people.

Lately I've been thinking way too much about the past and way too much about the future. It's a bit overwhelming.

I went to Rodizio Grill for the first time last weekend and oh my goodness. The second I walked in I was having an anxiety attack.

The salad bar was first. I'm pretty sure I had like 13 different things on my plate when I finished the dance around that ring of lettuce and pasta goodness.

Before I could even finish a third of what was on my plate people were running around throwing pieces of meat at me. I didn't even know what I saying yes to most of the time when they were asking me if I wanted whatever they were serving.

I got to a point where I was staring at the scraps left from the salad bar while eyeing the pork, grilled pineapple and steak headed my way. I almost lost it. Don't get me wrong, everything at that restaurant is so delicious and I had a great time, it was just not an ideal environment for me.

This dining experience has really reminded me of all the thinking I've been doing. The scraps from the salad bar are my past and the delicious meats being carried around are my future. The thing is I don't know why I'm staring at either because I'm not hungry and I don't want to be reminded of what I've already partook of. Why do we waste so much time and energy thinking of what could have been, what was, and freaking out about what's to come? I think sometimes it's important that we just focus on the now. I know that I myself need to concentrate on who I am today and what's going to matter right now. (Of course it's also good to think about the future and plan for it but we shouldn't get carried away and obsess about it.) I feel like we're living in a pretty rushed place in this day and time and life is way too simple to get caught up in all of the useless complicated details.

After that clutter of words, here is my thought for the moment:

Simplify, simplify and simplify.

I've been listening to Hurricane Bell's album Tonight is the Ghost all day long. It's fit quite perfect into my thoughts this week. They've recently released a new song that I am obsessed with. They did a cover of Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow and it's just the best. I think I love it more than the Shirelles classic version.

I apologize if none of this makes any sense. I'm not sure I know how to make sense of my words or thoughts these days.

boots, blackberries and baby ben

Today was literally the greatest day.

My little baby Ben that I nanny has been in the pediatric ICU for the past two weeks and I haven't gotten to see him because I've been busy with his sister and running errands. So sad. This morning that changed and I had a couple hours to go visit with the gingerbread man. (That's my weird nickname for him. His sister's nickname is even weirder.) Oh my goodness I started crying when I walked into his room. I have missed that little guy SO much and the second I walked up to his little bed he heard me talking to him and just stared at me with his big beautiful blue eyes and started fussing until the nurse came in and got him out so I could hold him. We cuddled for like an hour and he spent three quarters of it just looking at me. The poor little man has so many tubes going in and out of him so it's pretty miserable but he still managed to sneak me some smiles. Babies are just the best, I swear they make everything so much better.

After my precious visit, the rumble-roar (Told you it was weird) and I headed over to the beehive tearoom. Now I was a bit nervous because I wasn't sure if that place would be her cup of tea. (No pun intended wocka wocka wocka) Holy smokes that girl adored this place! She was dancing around our table the whole time while occasionally stopping to munch on her scone or petites four or her flower shaped pb & j or her millions of berries. She had like two sips of tea but she looked so ridiculously adorable holding her cup that it didn't matter if she didn't even try it. I tricked her into leaving after sitting there for over an hour and we walked to the cute antique stores on Broadway. Did I mention it was the best day ever? That wasn't even the end of it- we ended up going to Decades and she helped me pick out the most amazing vintage dress that I of course took home even though I'd never have anywhere to show it off. At the end of the day I got to come home to my beloved Bandit and my much needed NyQuil because I'm afraid I'm coming down with something. I think perhaps my body just couldn't handle so much bliss in one day.

So now I say goodbye world, hello NyQuil + Pushing Daisies and thank you for the lovely day.

fresh

I've been standing at the same crossroad for the last few months. The first road to choose from is one that is familiar and I'd have a lot of friends along the way to keep me company during my travels. The thing about this road is that it doesn't lead to anywhere, especially anywhere that I would want to be. The second road is very strange to me and very scary although there's nothing there to be afraid of. It's the unknown that is so frightening to me. Now this road wouldn't be the easier of the two but it's the road that would get me to where I need to be and where I truly want to end up. Decisions decisions.

A couple of days ago I was playing with Lucy* when she said something that really stuck with me...

"I don't like being apart, I like being together."

Now when you first read this you would think she was talking about being with or without someone she loves but that is not the case. Lucy was talking about herself because I was pretending to take her ears and nose off of her face. In my own way I can relate more than ever with that at this time in my life. I feel like for a while I've been "apart" and I've finally said enough is enough and it's time to start putting myself together.

So, I have made what is an incredibly huge decision for me. I've decided to take the second road. Not only have I chosen that road but I have also bravely started walking down it.

I'm terrified.

*In case you don't already know, Lucy is the incredibly adorable three year old that I nanny)

parachutes

So, there was an article in the New York Times last Sunday titled "Single, Female, Mormon, Alone". I am grateful for Nicole Hardy, the writer, and for her honesty on something that I think runs through most single LDS girl's minds at least once or twice. It was really refreshing for me to read something like that in a major newspaper. It's important for women to share their struggles and journeys with one another and with the world. I cannot say that I relate to everything that was expressed by Nicole but there's a chunk of it that I find a lot of truth in. My friend Kaneischa blogged about this article and I really liked what she had to contribute to the subject. You can read it here:

http://kaneischa.wordpress.com/2011/01/10/closer-to-home-than-i-wish-it-was/

If you're curious to hear some of my thoughts on the matter then you should read the comment that I left on Kaneischa's post.

Last night Bandit and I discovered a new winter activity.

First you will need to have the proper necessities:

-Boots with absolutely no grip

-A dog

-A hill

-Snow

After you are well equipped, simply start walking the dog downhill. The dog will then begin to pull you, and since there is no grip on your shoes, you will slide the whole way down the hill. It seriously is my new favorite thing and Bandit gets all of his much needed exercise and outdoor time!

Now I will leave you with what I find to be an appropriate song for today:

Icarus by White Hinterland

I heard it playing on my favorite radio station (KRCL 90.9 fm) and it just went perfect with all of the fresh beautiful snow outside.

mm bop mm bop

It's 2011? Weird. So weird.

I feel like 2010 lasted like 3 months but A LOT happened in that 3 months.

I'm so grateful for this new year and just in the first 13 days of it a lot has changed.

I had a really hard time with some things last year, especially things that I could never come to understand. I feel like all of those unknown demons I've been holding onto inside of me have finally shown their faces and now there is nothing left of them to intrigue me so I can finally let go and put them all behind me. I've learned that all of the what ifs in life should only be thoughts passing through, they are never meant to be things to hold onto. False hope has been the death of me these past couple years and I've learned my lesson. I will no longer let other's drag me along and intrigue me with their shallow and false relationships. I'm in no way implying that I am always a saint to others but I'm definitely more aware of my actions now and hope that I'll handle all of my relationships with careful thought to all parties involved from now on.

2010

I moved back to Salt Lake City and have had nothing but love for that decision.

I started a new job nannying for an incredible family that I've come to adore and call my own.

I got my own apartment and have really enjoyed living in solitude.

I visited the urgent care more than I ever have in my entire life and all for the most ridiculous reasons.

2011

I got a dog! That's all that really matters so far this year.

I am so appreciative to all of my friends who pretended to be really excited for me when I excitedly told them I got a dog. Really, thank you.

And to all of those who didn't even try to amuse me....come on.

(Photo cred to the lovely Michelle Cordon Lepinski)

This my friends, is my beloved Bandit.

I got him from some guy on ksl who moved into a place where he wasn't allowed to keep him. Getting dogs from random people is always a gamble but I totally lucked out. Besides from his old name being stupid (Shadow), this dog is the greatest dog ever so far. He's well trained and he just has loved me from the second we met. He's half pomeranian and half mini american eskimo and about a year old so he's over the whole crazy puppy phase. I keep getting comments that he looks like a fox which I LOVE because I've always wanted a pet fox and now I have a dog that looks like a fox so good enough! I just love him and am so grateful I found this little gem.

So, I step forward into this year with a smile and high hopes for more reasons to smile.

I also go into this year with the knowledge that I have a Heavenly Father. For the first time in my life I know without a doubt that I not only have a Heavenly Father but I also am lucky enough to have a brother who is my savior and has made true happiness possible for me. These things did not come to me easily, I spent a long time without them and going back and forth, but everything seems so much easier now and life itself makes a lot more sense. For the first time I just feel like everything is going to be okay and that, I feel, is the best way to start a new year.

I think I'm going to try and start blogging a picture taken with my minolta, a piece of writing, and a favorite song for the day everyday. We'll see if I'm motivated enough to keep that up. For now though, I'm just going to leave you with a good song. This song has really left an impression on me today:

Blue Blood by Foals